A Stone I Can’t Spit Out

written by Azariah Zai

Feeling too old to still be struggling but my mouth still trembles like my teenage self rehearsing apologies for a crime that doesn’t exist…

the word “No” sits heavy on my tongue…
a stone I cannot spit out…
because I have been taught that my worth is measured by how quickly I bend…

how softly I disappear…

I hate this…
this ache of pleasing…
this brittle smile stretched thing…

this quiet burning in my chest every time I give away the little I have left just to prove I am not selfish…

but selfish…
isn’t that the lie that built my silence?
the word they pressed into my ribs when I wanted to keep something for myself?

so here I am…
grown in body but some part of me still stuck in my teenage bedroom…
suffocating under the need to be good…
to be liked…
to be loved…
to be enough!

and every time I say yes when my soul is begging for no…
I feel the marrow drain from my bones…
I walk away hollowed, resentful, yet too ashamed to scream…
I ask myself…why?

Why does guilt grip me tighter than compassion for myself?

Why does silence win while my truth rots inside me?

Maybe the answer is this…

I must learn to choose myself…
even if my voice shakes…
I must believe that saying no is not an act of cruelty…
but of survival…
that capacity is a sacred thing…
and depletion is not devotion…

so tonight…
I practice…
in the mirror…
I whisper it…

NO!

And I try not to flinch at the sound…
because maybe healing isn’t about becoming louder…

maybe it’s about giving myself permission to stop explaining.

And maybe learn that the word “no” is not a wall…
but a doorway back to the parts of me that deserve to breathe.

**saying no is not a wound that one inflicts…it’s a shelter one builds. It is one of the most radical acts of self-love in a world that has taught you to disappear for the comfort of others. No is a boundary, a map, a compass that points you back to your wholeness. So each time you whisper it, you are not closing a door…you are opening one, leading yourself toward rest, toward truth, toward a sacred capacity to say yes when it truly matters. So remember that you are allowed to guard your light. You are allowed to keep your breath. And you are allowed… right now, without apology, to practice the power of no, until it no longer trembles in your throat but rises strong, steady, and free.

-signing out with peace and love, abirdthatswims

This is a digital hand-drawn piece mixed with editing features all done in the software program, Procreate created by Azariah Zai.